Monday, February 7, 2011

It Was a Dark and Stormy Blogfest Contest

 The Dark and Stormy Blogfest contest hosted by Brenda Drake judged by Weronika Janczuk IS ON!

I am posting the first line of my story. Please help me spruce it up.

Name: Kerri Cuevas

Title: The Kiss of Death

Genre: YA Fantasy/Supernatural/Romance

It was the old man's lucky day because I was good at being a Grim Reaper.
Update: I am going with the one below. Thank you for all the great suggestions and good luck!

It was the old man's lucky day because I was his Grim Reaper.
                                             
Another update. So after having more time to mull over the first sentence I should have went with this. I promise to stop updating.

I am dead, the old man would soon be dead, and I'm the Grim Reaper that will collect his soul.

21 comments:

Kate Haggard said...

An great idea. The prose needs some tightening and polishing. Consider something like "It was the old man's lucky day that I was his Grim Reaper." Then sprinkle in through the following paragraph and pages how the character is good at it.

Beth said...

It's an interesting first sentence, but I don't think your first sentence should be in passive voice. Also, this is nitpicky (Sorry, prolly just a typo) but you're missing an '.
bethfred.com

Jamie - I'm a guy, btw said...

I love the humor AND the horror in this first line. I agree that maybe a little tightening would help strengthen it, but overall it's really good and I would read on. Nice job!

Lydia K said...

I like Kate's ideas too! Great beginning though, makes me want to read more!

Mara Nash said...

The concept is good, but the voice is passive. Get rid of the was's and find more active verbs and then it'll be a winner!

Kerri C at CK Farm said...

Thanks gang! I think you might be right so I will tweak it :)

Beth nitpick away lol. Can't forget the ' in a first sentence. Nice catch :)

Elaine AM Smith said...

You could say it the old man's lucky day because I was good at being a Grim Reaper.
Keeping the humour at the front and the sentence positive - can you use this kind of idea?
On the Grim Reaper Scale, I rate as good: it was the old man's lucky day.

wordwranglernc said...

Oooh - I like where Elaine is headed with your first line. I thin you can polish this and it will have the POW you are looking for!

Catherine A. Winn said...

Kate and Elaine both have good suggestions. Try different ways to say it to show the personality of the Grim Reaper.

Kerri C at CK Farm said...

Oh you guys are FUN and I am enjoying reading all these great first lines.

Okay what about this for a start

Quick and painless, that was me and it was the old man's lucky day that I was his Grim Reaper.

Nicole said...

With a line like this, I think a big challenge is showing how your grim reaper story is different from others. It seems like well-covered territory (this coming from someone who is currently querying a ghost story novel -- uniqueness is something I struggle to transmit early on). I agree with earlier commenters about making the language more active.

Margo Kelly said...

Great suggestions in the comments.

Show us the picture instead.

The old man smiled when he realized I would serve as his Grim Reaper that day.

Bethany Mattingly said...

I love this idea and premise. I would reword it to be, "I am good at being a Grim Reaper, so really, it was the old man's lucky day.

Cheree said...

Nice first line. One suggestion I could make was say "It was the old man's lucky day because I was the Grim Reaper, and good at it too."

Kristina Fugate said...

I like this idea! But it reads a little awkwardly.

I really love Elaine's suggestion! It seems like a great place to start :)

Thanks for sharing!

lbdiamond said...

We get a good sense of the character's voice and we certainly know what he is. ;)

(Ps, add an apostrophe to "man's")

Corinne O'Flynn said...

I like the line, and love the advice you're getting. Others have mentioned the apostrophe. I am thinking along the line of what Kate H said fits where I'm going with your line. Excellent.

Loralie Hall said...

I love this. If the fact that the old man's luck is more important than your MC being the grim reaper is the most important part of this sentence, then the passive voice works great. Otherwise, my only suggestion is the apostrophe like others have mentioned.

J.C. Martin said...

I agree. Great start, but it can do with a bit of tightening up.

My suggestion:

"It was the old man's lucky day; I was his Grim Reaper, and I'm good at my job."

Trisha said...

I definitely would read on - I'd be like "Why would this make the old man's day LUCKY?" and what is going to happen, etc.

"mans" needs to have an apostrophe ;)

Elana Johnson said...

Saw the update! Sorry I didn't get to weigh in. I like it!