Friday, April 22, 2011

Final Crusade Challange--Show Not Tell

Rachael Harrie's platform building Crusade has been amazing and I'm sad to see it come to an end. I made many new blogger friends and will continue to visit all their fantastical blogs. There are many talanted people out there doing wonderful things!

The final challange is here and this is what we have to do.

Show Not Tell Crusader Challenge: In 300 words or less, write a passage (it can be an excerpt from your WIP, flash fiction, a poem, or any other writing) that shows (rather than tells) the following:

You're scared and hungry
It's dusk
You think someone is following you


And just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: shimmer, saccadic, substance, and salt.

Phew! I know crazy, right? I'm always up for a good challange though, so here goes it.

The Hunted Doe


I know where I will hide if I can only get there. Thin branches whip across my cold face as I run faster through dense brush. Everything is a blur and the distant ocean breeze rustles my fur.

The crunch of dead leaves is getting louder behind me sending my heart thundering.

Acid churns in my empty stomach, but I refuse to acknowledge it. All I can think about is being caught if something is really following me—hunting me.

The setting sun shimmers off the ocean in a distance, an ocean I hope to see again if I survive the next couple of minutes. But I need the safety of the forest now. I continue to run as salt in the thick air burns my parched throat. I swallow, but it doesn’t help ease the fire.

I knew leaving the forest at dusk was dangerous, but I had to take the chance of getting to the lush grass next to the sand dunes. It’s a good substance, but I never got to taste its sweetness today.

The low grunting is getting further away and I slow down. My hooves sink into the soft earth. The saccadic movement in my eye stops and my hiding spot comes into focus.

My ears move to the sound of loud footsteps to my right. My body twists and I leap off the ground as I bolt toward the thickest part of the brush—my hiding spot.

I push through it going further away from the hunter. He won’t get me today. My heart slows and my lips find dry grass. It will have to do.

I can try again when the sun shines bright. I need to eat more for the growing baby in my belly.

18 comments:

Sierra Gardner said...

Sooo sad - I don't want the deer to die! I was totally one of those kids who was traumatized when watching Bambi. Great job with this - I love that you chose to make it from the doe's perspective. The last line is really powerful.

Scott Niven said...

This is excellent! "I push through it going further away from the hunter. He won’t get me today." There's something very immediate and real about that second sentence. I love it!

Jess said...

This is awesome, and I love that you chose an animal's perspective (extra good choice since it's Earth Day). Great descriptions and tension!

Michael Offutt said...

Well written post you got here.

Nelson Souzza said...

The blog is very good!
Congratulations!
http://nelsonsouzza.blogspot.com

Lisa said...

What a great take on the Crusade. I enjoyed your post very much.

My link is below if you are interested.

Lisa
Inspired by Lisa

Michelle Merrill said...

Wow, interesting! So many twists and turns. Great take on the challenge :)

Rachel Morgan said...

Fur? Hooves? I was like, this definitely isn't a human. Then I looked at the title again. Duh!

J.C. Martin said...

Excellent description! I'm rootin' for mama deer!

Alison Stevens said...

Great perspective! :D

Zan Marie said...

Wonderful POV! This is lovely and scary, too. Great snip.

Crystal Cheverie said...

Wow - very powerful. The poor deer!! I feel hope for her, though, considering she found her hiding spot in time.

Rachael Harrie said...

Very gripping - I'm so glad the poor little deer got away. And pregnant too! Great take on the Challenge :)

Hugs,

Rach

Susan Fields said...

Great entry! And thank you for telling us she survives - I was afraid you'd leave us with a cliffhanger and then I'd be dying to know what happened!

Deniz Bevan said...

Lovely! I'm glad we got to find out that she's safe after all.

The Golden Eagle said...

I love your Challenge post--what a perspective to write through! And I'm glad, too, that you didn't leave us with a cliffhanger.

Regina said...

Very nice entry. Well done.

Nas Dean said...

Hi Kerri,

Great entry. I loved it!

Hey, you won the Edie Ramer book giveaway on my blog! Congratulations!